Overseas Connections

CONNECTION
The basic human need to belong to our world. Connection gives us joy, validation, purpose, perspective, awareness of our place in the universe,  and most of all...love.

Me
Most of my life choices are based on fulfilling the need of CONNECTION.

Rewind to 2000    

Beginning the Life Overseas

My first official overseas post was teaching at the American School of Niamey in Niger. Because Niger is a small hardship post, your community becomes family in a short period of time. For four years, our large home was the gathering place for many expats. We had social events at our home almost every weekend. It was wonderful. It fed my most important need. I loved every minute of it.

Fast forward to 2004

 
Divorce-New Country-New School-New Life
I moved to Cairo, a large city, school and expat community, as a newly divorced single mom with two middle school children. My social circle was reduced to the three of us living in a small apartment. I was not single. I was not a couple. I did not fit any social circle. I would hear of social events and wonder why I was not invited. All of my colleagues were amazing, friendly, warm and giving people. But, the community was so large, everyone had their own well established smaller community circles. I was not on their 'radar' when it came to socializing. It was painful and lonely.

2005  

Creating a PEACE Curriculum in Our School
I was very lucky to be part of an amazing group of colleagues that were committed to bringing a "Peace Curriculum" to our school. The by-product of that experience transformed my life. I was lucky to spend 6 days listening to Marshall Rosenberg describe his practice of Non-Violent Communication. I gained a new perspective and clarity.

What I learned

• Everything we do is to meet a need. If we can recognize all actions and words as met or unmet needs, then we can eliminate or lessen our pain. 
• Remove judgment from my life. This is a tall order and I struggle everyday...but it is a goal. This is applied not only in judging others but also yourself. I do my best to not use the words RIGHT and WRONG.
• Observe not Analyze. All we really know are facts. We don't know what is behind the facts. We can assume, guess and analyze...but all we know for sure are facts.
• There are many strategies to meet needs. When we get in a 'need panic,' we see only one way to meet our needs, though all the other strategies are still available to us, we just don't recognize them.
• Empathy is one of the most challenging things one can do and most of us do not do it. Instead, we sympathize, give advice, problem solve or share our own problems.

CONNECTION is something that fills me with energy and my soul with love. It is what makes me, me. It was important for me to be invited to certain social gatherings. I used to take things very personally and feel sorry for myself, hurt and not worthy when I was not included. Non-Violent Communication brought light to my needs deficit thinking. Now my energy is spent feeling grateful and creating CONNECTIONS.

Today

I have a circle of friends and a wider circle of acquaintances, many of whom I would LOVE to spend more time with. Sometimes I am invited to gatherings and sometimes I am not. That is a fact. It doesn't matter why, it just is. All I know is, I was not invited. I do not spend any time or energy analyzing why. What once would have sent me into a pity party, I now embrace as a gift. I recognize no one is NOT inviting me to create pain in my life.

I have CONNECTION in my life. It is just as important as always, but it is not connected to my self worth AND I meet my need for CONNECTION in many ways.

PEACE

 

Normal? Thankful.

I am heading home to Oregon, as I do every summer. This year I will be including some firsts. It will be the first time that one or both of my kids are not traveling home with me. I am going home to visit them. Our family has matured, and I have an empty nest. Caitlin and Eli are fledgling adults finding their way through college, jobs and life. Surprisingly, I have transitioned to an empty nest much easier than I would have guessed. I keep wondering if I should feel more sad or lonely. Is there something wrong? Is this normal?

I am also going home for my first summer without my father. He died July 2, 2011. His death was a brutal withering away of a strong minded giving human that was tragic to witness. I am thankful for every extra moment we all had with him...tragic or not. My life since his death has been full, busy, reflective and different. I keep wondering...When am I going to breakdown and be a mess with grief....so sad that I can not move? I wondered if my visit in December would be when it would all come crashing down. It didn't. Have I really truly grieved? Am I putting my grief away somewhere? Is this normal?

As the school year ends, my conclusion is.....Yes, this is normal....this is normal because I am happy. I am happy because I am so grateful for so many things in my life.

What am I grateful for?

My father, who had terminal cancer, died at a wonderfully convenient time for me and my family. Being a teacher, I was home for the summer.  I was there one month before his death, the two weeks of hell while he was dying and for the first month of his absence. I wonder if he secretly did this on purpose. What a gift of time I was given to share with my father and family.

My children are healthy, finding happiness and challenged by life in many ways. It is a joy to see them navigate their path. I am so grateful to my family who are nearby to support them when they need it. That is the one area I try desperately not to feel too guilty about....relying on my family to guide my children in my absence as I work overseas.

My job is aligned with my own values and allows me to explore being the teacher I want to be. I have never been so fulfilled, valued and challenged as I am now. I am growing personally and professionally. I am a different teacher. I am a happy teacher. I am a confident teacher. I am learning teacher.

My friends and colleagues are those that I trust and value beyond comprehension. Life has taught me many lessons. One that has guided me more and more is to cherish, value and nurture the relationships you have. Leave your ego and let your heart open to the gift of love. I have many gifts of love that I am grateful for.

I am guessing my glass half full attitude has kept me in a place of balance and peace. For that I am grateful. I love my life. So I guess I am normal.....for me.....

Doors and Windows

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” Alexander Graham Bell.

I have lived that quote over and over in my life. Most recently, it relates to where I live and work.

I was happily teaching at a school that gave me a place for personal and professional growth. The administration changed year three and I was not happy with how the school’s leadership transformed the school climate. I centered my energy on my children, my students, my colleagues and myself. As time went on during year three and four, the administration made it very difficult to work there. I was ‘targeted’ by an administrator. We did not have the same values and when push came to shove I made the second most difficult decision in my life. I decided to leave without having another job. Not only was I devastated personally on so many levels, I also was broken hearted about disappointing my son, who was a sophomore and wanted to graduate from his school of 5 years. But, I took a leap and for my own personal well being left a school I loved. I worried, would I ever find a place that would fill me like the school I was leaving? Would I find friends that would be so dear to me, they are my family? Would my son survive the difficult change to another school as a junior?

This is where that other door or window comes in….or actually an angel…Susan. There is no other way to describe her connection to my life. She is an inspiration and someone who I hold very dear to my heart. She was the angel that provided the other door at two pivotal times in my life. She believed in me and had faith that things would work out…which they did and always do.

I am now working at a school of my dreams. The climate is one of respect and caring. The administration treats you as a human being first and then an employee. There are not many schools that do that. I am supported both personally and professionally. I am valued and I have developed deep friendships that will last the test of time.

My son has carried on, and it has not been easy. But he continues to be loved and respected by those around him. When I told him that very memorable Monday evening that I had to leave my job and we had to move from his home of 5 years, he protested and encouraged me to “fight.” I told him he was the only reason I was still there and that I could not do it any longer. He looked at me and quietly said, “OK, mom” and never looked back. He has been completely supportive of me and our move. I am so grateful for his love and encouragement and his own personal sacrifices for our family.

So, to all my dear friends that are dealing with this situation now, the unexpected and forced life change is overwhelming. It feels like you have no choice and you are a victim. I promise that things will work out. It may not be easy, it may not be what you think you want….but it will be better in the long run.

May we all have the wisdom to see the doors that are open to us.

Extended Families

My children have a new half brother. His name is Owen Frazier Miller. The beautiful back-story to this is, he is the new child to Dan and Liz, my ex-husband and his wife. Now, to be honest, when the rumblings began about Dan and Liz actually trying to have a child, I went through some stereotypical emotions of an ex-wife…“oh he is getting to do a do-over, he gets to start a new family but I don’t because I am too old to have a child, typical older man with a new younger wife” But, I believe, that every moment in my life has given me gifts of understanding and insight…and this glorious experience includes many.

First, Liz, has never had a child. Do I really want to judge her for something I have already had the amazing fortune to do? Liz is a person following her own life path. When you find the person you love, it is a natural step for many to have children. Can you imagine having negative energy toward one of life’s most precious gifts?

Second, my children and their well-being is something that is always part of my heart. I see my role as supporting Caitlin and Eli as they discover their gift of another sibling. I envision sharing cute pictures and funny stories in the years to come.

Though I had a momentary hiccup of being in that nasty place of judgment and blame….I came out the other side recognizing that it wasn’t about me….it was about Dan and Liz.

So the journey of becoming pregnant began and I can honestly say, that when the news came last spring that they were pregnant, I was genuinely happy and excited for everyone…Dan, Liz, Caitlin, Eli and the rest of our extended family.

Before Owen was born two loving things happened. First, Liz asked me to be the “spare parent” or “God Parent” for Owen. If something were to happen to both Liz and Dan, I was asked to be his parent. Liz felt it would be important for Owen to be near his siblings if something were to happen to them. I was truly surprised and honored to be asked and accepted this important responsibility with joy. Second, Frazier, my step-father, was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor in September. No one really knows how long he will live, but it is going to kill him within months. Dan, who is still very close to my family, was devastated, like all of us, about the news. He and Liz decided to ask my family’s permission to make Owen’s middle name Frazier, in honor of my father. Every time I think about it my eyes well up in tears. My family was touched and everyone I asked consented and cried tender tears of sadness and joy.

So, Owen Frazier Miller was born on February 8, 2011. He is a BIG beautiful boy that I am so grateful to have part of my life. But, what do I call him? What does he call me? I want a new word or phase invented that defines our relationship. I want the new word or phrase to capture love and beauty in the connection I hope we will have. So I went to my trusty thesaurus to find some words…

Person-human-individual-one

Connected-linked-allied-interconnected

Forever-eternal-evermore-without end

Village-world-global-community

Relation-relative

Grown up-adult

Child

Gift-treasure-precious

So I haven’t found a fit…maybe it should be a symbol like Prince…no words, just a beautiful symbol of love and devotion.

Peace

Happy Un-anniversary To Me

Today is the beginning of my very first blog…and I am celebrating something very important…my UN-anniversary. On February 22, 1986 I was a young 20 year old bursting with love, hopes and dreams. This was the day I married the man I was to spend the rest of my life with, Dan Miller. That dream did not happen, but this is what did…

1. I had two glorious children who I am incredibly proud of and admire. I am in awe of the wonderful human beings they have become.

2. I fulfilled my goals of becoming a wife, a mother, and a teacher.

3. I ventured out into the world of living overseas.

4. I was given the gift of another family, my in-laws.

5. I created many beautiful memories with family and friends.

Dan and I divorced in July of 2004. It was definitely the most difficult and heartbreaking time of my life. But this is what happened…..

1. I became ‘me’ in a sense that I had never done before.

2. I recognized my true worth.

3. I awakened my beliefs and values.

4. I recognized that the most important and powerful things in life to me are compassion and connection…that they move me through my world.

5. I established a wonderfully different relationship with Dan, now my ex-husband and always the father of my children.

6. I became friends with a very caring woman, Liz, who is Dan’s wife.

So, today is a day that always brings reflection…and I am enormously grateful that I have lived my life as I have. I am very appreciative to have the relationship with Dan and Liz that I do. I also recognize that it is the graciousness and kind heart of Liz that has helped this become a reality.

I often get told that I have been “extraordinary” in how I have handled my life since my divorce, but in my heart I do not believe that. I believe that in this world, everyone does the best they can at every moment. If I keep that in my heart always, there is much less pain and an open heart of the beautiful things to come…

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing
and rightdoing there is a field.
I'll meet you there.

Rumi

Happy UN-anniversary to me