Normal? Thankful.

I am heading home to Oregon, as I do every summer. This year I will be including some firsts. It will be the first time that one or both of my kids are not traveling home with me. I am going home to visit them. Our family has matured, and I have an empty nest. Caitlin and Eli are fledgling adults finding their way through college, jobs and life. Surprisingly, I have transitioned to an empty nest much easier than I would have guessed. I keep wondering if I should feel more sad or lonely. Is there something wrong? Is this normal?

I am also going home for my first summer without my father. He died July 2, 2011. His death was a brutal withering away of a strong minded giving human that was tragic to witness. I am thankful for every extra moment we all had with him...tragic or not. My life since his death has been full, busy, reflective and different. I keep wondering...When am I going to breakdown and be a mess with grief....so sad that I can not move? I wondered if my visit in December would be when it would all come crashing down. It didn't. Have I really truly grieved? Am I putting my grief away somewhere? Is this normal?

As the school year ends, my conclusion is.....Yes, this is normal....this is normal because I am happy. I am happy because I am so grateful for so many things in my life.

What am I grateful for?

My father, who had terminal cancer, died at a wonderfully convenient time for me and my family. Being a teacher, I was home for the summer.  I was there one month before his death, the two weeks of hell while he was dying and for the first month of his absence. I wonder if he secretly did this on purpose. What a gift of time I was given to share with my father and family.

My children are healthy, finding happiness and challenged by life in many ways. It is a joy to see them navigate their path. I am so grateful to my family who are nearby to support them when they need it. That is the one area I try desperately not to feel too guilty about....relying on my family to guide my children in my absence as I work overseas.

My job is aligned with my own values and allows me to explore being the teacher I want to be. I have never been so fulfilled, valued and challenged as I am now. I am growing personally and professionally. I am a different teacher. I am a happy teacher. I am a confident teacher. I am learning teacher.

My friends and colleagues are those that I trust and value beyond comprehension. Life has taught me many lessons. One that has guided me more and more is to cherish, value and nurture the relationships you have. Leave your ego and let your heart open to the gift of love. I have many gifts of love that I am grateful for.

I am guessing my glass half full attitude has kept me in a place of balance and peace. For that I am grateful. I love my life. So I guess I am normal.....for me.....